Why am I so terrified to feel negative emotions?
As a palliative care physician, I am fairly adept at trying to maintain a lens of “carpe diem” because I see examples every day of unexpected medical diagnoses wildly screwing up life’s plans. This has a way of making priorities crystal clear and what doesn’t stay at the top can more easily be let go. Being frequently reminded of the uncertainty and unpredictability of life has given me so much perspective. It’s helped me jump off the ledge on things I’ve been wanting to try but had been waiting for the “right time” — such as traveling to Greece which was my #1 most desired place to travel. My husband and I made this trip to celebrate our 10 year anniversary a couple years ago (while I was pregnant with our 4th!) And my draw to personal development and coaching led me to realizing I wanted to not just continue getting coached, but to become certified as a coach so I could help guide others through their struggles and life journey as well.
During my ongoing journey (I’ve totally realized that it’s not a destination, despite me wishing it was, and have often been just “waiting to finally arrive.”), I have really resonated with the concept of thought work and being curious about what I am thinking/believing about any given situation because I have seen such a huge return on investment of this practice and seeing how everything is seen through this lens (my “story”). Intellectually and using my cognitive brain is where I am most comfortable. I find analyzing my thoughts and beliefs (and others! sorry family, ha!) to be super fascinating.
What has been thousands of times more challenging for me is getting more familiar with my default emotions in situations. Figuring out what my most commonly experienced emotions are has been difficult. And realizing how desperately I (along with most of the rest of our culture) try to resist having to feel the “negative” emotions has been eye-opening. And deeply uncomfortable.
These beliefs resonate as “basically true and undeniable to me” -
- Negative feelings are not helpful. They are not fun at all to experience, and it’s best if I can just avoid them.
- If I do notice any uncomfortable/negative feelings coming up, I need to figure out how to get rid of them as soon as possible. If I were to actually experience them and process them, I would probably get sucked into them even more and not be able to get out.
- Something has gone very wrong (or something is wrong with me) if I am experiencing a lot of uncomfortable feelings.
Do any of these statements resonate with you, too? As I’ve worked on uncovering and bringing these beliefs about my feelings into the light to examine them, it’s been more challenging to stick with the idea that I can just continue to resist, numb, ignore, minimize, or buffer my negative emotions.
I would be perfectly fine to never experience significant levels of overwhelm, anxiety, stress, anger, bitterness, resentment, or grief again, please and thank you.
But the truth is, from what I’ve learned and have come to understand and believe through lived experience, is that while we can continue to avoid negative emotions and allowing ourselves to feel or be present with them, it doesn’t make them go away. I sometimes really wish it did. But it just doesn’t work that way.
A question I’ve been pondering with myself for the last several months is “why AM I so terrified of experiencing or “processing” negative feelings?”
This self-inquiry process has been quite a journey…I’ve read tons of books, listened to all sorts of podcasts, sought expert teaching, coaching, courses, framework, and I’ve been on a mission to apply what resonates with me to my real life to learn more about myself, my habitual thoughts, beliefs and feelings, and it has led me to so many nuggets of wisdom and a very different lens with which to view myself, my relationships, my “purpose” and my place within the world.
Learning to tune in to my mind & body with a focus on being kind to myself and curious with my exploration of what lies under the surface has been a transformative experience, and I can honestly say I can’t see the deep inner work being finished any time soon (ok fine, I’m sure it can continue on until my last days).
I’ve learned an incredible amount, have a much deeper appreciation for the superpower that is being aware and attuned to my feelings and my physiologic state. I’m still trying to learn how to prioritize and truly allow myself real rest and play. I’ve been completely subscribed to productivity culture in all my roles for the vast majority of my life, and these deeply engrained patterns are difficult to start to untangle.
BUT I want to commit myself to this gentler way of living and being. My reasons are many, but a few top ones include: Learning and loving the process of gaining deeper trust in myself. Being comfortable with my true real and whole self. Having my own back. Learning to appreciate and believe in my worth and value just for existing as a human. To model to my children and their generation that hustling for your worth, people pleasing until you’re burned out and resentful, and being chronically emotionally exhausted and stressed out (with resulting enormous adverse effects on our physical/mental/emotional health, quality of life and longevity) is not the way you have to live to prove yourself or feel successful in your life. There IS a different way, and it is so much more life-giving, vibrant, and expansive.
A game-changing daily practice I’ve learned is, at the beginning of the day, I check in with myself (mind, body and soul) and asking myself “how do you want to feel today, Sarah?” Whatever comes up, I trust my answer (without seeking validation/permission from anyone else), and then plan to do the work, personal, family and relational things that tend to create that feeling when I participate in them. I check in on the status of my stress and energy bucket at the beginning middle and end of the day, and if it’s getting too bogged down over the course of the day, I don’t let it overflow. I practice pivoting to let some things go or engage my body in small ways to metabolize the stress I’m holding. If there are difficult emotions present, I practice noticing them, reminding myself they can’t hurt me and are there for a reason (to try to keep me safe/warn me about something). I then practice allowing and being with the feeling, noticing its signature expression in my body. I focus on breathing through the discomfort, opening up to it instead of resisting it. I remind myself its intensity will build, peak and then it will dissipate and pass. This process sounds like it could be long and exhausting, but truthfully, it usually takes less than 2 minutes to actually do. The shelf-life of any emotion has been studied, and really is only 90-120 seconds on average.
It can seem dangerous or like too much to engage with our negative feelings. Honestly, sometimes it still is for me. But I have made so much progress just by starting simply and being consistent with myself and my practice.
I am more able to allow, process, and then return to homeostasis where I can get back to my calm, curious, connected state again. And that’s where I want to spend more of my time hanging out.
-Sarah
